For you. Give me a call. One for you.
I don't look upon this like it's the end.
I look upon it like it's moving on. It's almost like my work here's done.
I can't imagine Jesus going,
"Oh! I've told a few people here in Bethlehem I'm the son of god. Can I just stay with mom and dad now?"
No. You gotta move on. You gotta spread the word.
You've got to go to Nazareth... please.
And that's very much like... me.
My world does not end with these four walls. Slough's a big place.
And when I've finished with Slough, there's Reading, Aldershot, Bracknell.
You know.. I've got Didcot, Yateley.
Winnersh. Taplow.
Because I am my own boss, I can... Burfield.
I can wake up one morning and go, "Oh. I don't feel like working today. Can I stay in bed?"
"Oh don't know. Better ask the boss." "David, can I stay in bed all day?" "Yes you can, David."
Both me. That's not me in bed with another bloke called David.
Be a bit weird for you, will it, when I'm...?
- Different, certainly. - Sadder.
I am telling this to everyone.
I do not want you going, "Oh that's it. We're out of here. There's no point... We're walking around with our shoulders hunched..."
- Sorry. Can I just get that? - Yup.
Hello.
Oh, that's great. No. That's a load off my mind. Thanks for calling. Cheers. Bye.
- Sorry what were you saying? - Just.. just.. I want to... you know...
- Oliver? They took the lot, mate. - You lucky... you were bricking it.
I was, yes.
- All I'm saying is, I don't want you... - Sorry. Can I just phone Steve?
Yeah. Busy.
Steve. It's Jamie. They took the lot, mate.
Yeah. No, it was a team effort.
Yeah. That's what I thought.
Here he is. The big man.
Ow!
Clumsy.
- Hello. - Hiya.
- How are you? - All right. How are you?
My mum and dad phoned me last night.
Basically, we have this beautiful little cottage in the new forest.
Once a year we kind of organize this family do, and my mum and dad wanted to know weather we'd like to come.
Oh, I can't. When is it?
- Oh we have about a week, two weeks' notice, so.. - Yeah.
- It'd be on a weekend. - That's tricky. That's the problem.
Well, I kind of told them that we'd go.
You told them? I wished you'd asked me.
- Hello. - Oggy oggy oggyl
oi oi oi! All right, Oggy? Keeno here on speakerphone.
- You on speakerphone? - Yup.
- Tits! who heard that? - Everyone, you mental head. Shut up. What do you want?
- You coming down today for Gobbler's birthday? - Yeah definitely. Jimmy the perv coming?
- Yeah. - What about Fish Fingers?
Oh Fish Fingers can't come coz Susan caught him getting off with what's-her-face.
- That is mental. - Yeah.
- See you later, then. - Gonads!
Mentalist.
- Hear that? - Mm.
Oggmonster.
Here we are. The madhouse.
Hiya.
Hi.
- All right, Tim? - All right?
What, her? She's writing an article on me, for "Inside Paper".
Ben's... Ben, are you wondering who that is? Well, I'll tell you all.
If you're wondering who this stranger is, wondering around,
she's writing an article on me for "Inside Paper". Where have you been?
- Warehouse. - You missed me telling everyone.
She's writing an article on me for "Ins..."
Subject matter.
Right.
What do you want to know?
- Do you mind if I talk to some of your staff later? - Why?
Well my train doesn't leave till 1:30 so I'll hang about if that's ok and have a chat with some of them.
- Well I wanna see what they say, before.. - I'm not gonna put anything nasty in..
They won't say anything nasty.
Ok. Right, so would you like to tell me about your individual outlook on management?
Sure. Um..put..."David Brent is refreshingly laid-back for a man with such responsibility."
Yeah can you just answer in your own words and I'll work that out.
Um..."Brent mused and then replied..."
Sorry now, David. Could you just say what's on your mind and I'm getting it down.
Well are you getting it down? Coz, you're not doing shorthand and I'm going to be pretty...
- Just... - Well... ok.
Your question I suppose was "Is it difficult to remain authoritative and yet so popular?"
No, that wasn't my question.
- We shall answer that one first... - Sorry. Now can we just stick to my questions?
Well, maybe you should be clear what the question is, coz I'm getting a little bit..and that's.. you know..
Ok.
- But that's what.. he said on the nog. - That's just offensive.
- What's so funny? - Nothing.
I was just um... I was just talking to Emma about...
what is that pub we went to on friday?
- Gareth Keenan, hello.
Hi, baby. It's Anne. Are you coming around tonight?
- Can't. Going up chaser's with the lads. - Come round first. We'll have a bit of time together.
- All right. - Have some fun.
- Yup. Ok. - Are you going to bring the toys again?
Yeah.
Ok.
Yeah. Look forward to doing it to you, too.
All right. Bye.
- The toys? - Shut up.
What are the toys? Is it buckaroo?
- It's not boggle, is it? - Shut up.
- If it's ker-plunk, I'm coming round. - It was actually a private phone call, so..
Don't put it on speakerphone then, Gareth.
Yeah. "The Jolly Farmer"...is it Hungry Hippo?
Private life then, just to flesh out David Brent the man. Is there a better half?
"David quipped, "why buy a book when you can join a library?""
- So you play the field? - Well... I don't like using chicks and shit.
But I'm just chilling out while I'm young I suppose.
- And is there a chick in tow at the moment? - I don't kiss and tell.
I'm just trying to find out if you're in a relationship at the moment?
"Brent says, 'no comment'."
- So you don't have a girlfriend? - Well, what is a "girlfriend"?
- Someone you'd have sex with? - Don't get coarse in a magazine for the public.
I don't think you'd win a Pulitzer for filth.
I got this for my mate Gobbler. It's his birthday. We're all going up Chaser's tonight.
Oh, yeah! Oh yeah! Come on, come on, baby!
- Come on, come on, baby! - Watch.
Oh... 0h... 0h!
Oh, no!
You know Gobbler, don't you? You seen this?
Come on, come on, baby!
- Come on, come on, baby! - Watch watch watch watch.
He's gonna love that. He comes in his pants.
Do it again.
I don't give myself a hard time about things, particularly.
I'm 30 years young now, anyway.
I'm not someone who has specific goals about having done this or that by my age.
"I should have done this. Why haven't I taken that chance?"
I just think, if you look at life like rolling a dice,
then my situation now as it stand, yeah it may only be a three.
If I jack that in now, go for something bigger and better, I could easily roll a six.
No problem. I could roll a six. I could also roll a one.
So I think sometimes just leave the dice alone.
That's why my professionalism is probably only as important as...
- come in... my humanism.
Hi. I just wondered if you got any time for a little chat.
I've always got time for staff, Dawn. You know that. "He's always got time for staff."
- Before you go... - "even though a lot happening in his mind, should be on other stuff, he still.."
Shoot.
Before you leave, I wanted to hand in my notice.
Ooh, no. Thought this would happen.
- Who else is thinking of doing this, Dawn? - Don't think anyone is.
Don't throw your career away just because I'm leaving. I know it won't be the same, but you'll probably get to know someone else, and then..
That's not why I'm actually going.
- Read between the lines. - Well, you haven't read it.
Very flattering but, is it just a coincidence that you're handing in your notice when I'm leaving?
- Yes, it is. - Is it?
- May I ask why you're leaving? If you don't mind me asking. - No. I'm going to go away with my fianc�.
- Oh where you going? - The states.
Allright. Ok. We're just.. yeah, thanks. What are you going to write about this? because I thought... Ok. Cheers. I thought we were...
getting back to... "Strings to Brent's bow. A) philanthropist."
- Hiya. Have you got a minute? - Yeah. Sure.
I don't know if you know, but when David goes, we're probably going to do an external appointment.
We wondered if you'd do us a favour in the meantime and be caretaker manager, for a while.
- Blimey. God... - Just doing David's job...
and obviously there'd be acting-up pay.
That's really flattering. Thank you. Listen, I'm going to say no and...
- it's a bit more work for a lot more money. - I've got nothing to spend it on.
- It's only temporary. - I thought that about this job! And I've been here...
- Ok. - So I'm...
Listen. I think you should give it to Gareth. Seriously, I do.
He takes things seriously. He's conscientious. He works hard.
Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah!
He's responsible. He knows this place inside out. I think genuinly, he might be the man for it.
- Thanks, Tim. - Thank you. Much appreciated. Thank you.
0h, no... 0h, no!
It says here that for women, the most important qualities in a man are...
eyes, smile,
flat stomach...
- yup. - Buttocks...
yup.
- You've got good buttocks, Gareth? - Yes.
- Can we see them? - No. Gay.
Ok well let's put it out. Sheila, what do you look for in a bloke?
I like blacks.
Cool.
- Trudy, how about you? - I quite like shy men, actually.
- Yeah. I understand that. - Would that be yours?
- No. - What do you look for in a man?
- Rugged good looks. - You always tell me it's a good sense of humour.
Yeah, you've got that. You've got a good sense of humour.
Yeah, I know.
Rach, have you got a sec?
I just wanted to tell you...
I don't know how to say it.
This is so hard.
- Well done. She's crying. - I know. Just leave it.
- So it's up to me to clear up your mess. - Gareth I'm begging you. Just stay out of it, mate.
You dumped her, so it's nothing to do with you anymore. She needs someone to cheer her up.
Ok don't take Dirty Bertie. Don't... I beg you. Don't take Bertie.
- Overruled. - Gareth If you have to go, don't take Bertie.
- Hi... - Fuck off.
Potty mouth.
There you go. So... stay in touch.
Cheers.
People can't believe I'm this happy to be leaving.
Not because there's anything wrong with it, but you know I did that thing at the centre?
Well, as I was giving that motivational speech,
I could literally see them all getting all motivated from it.
It's like being born again.
And it showed me how much I had to offer other people.
These are the guys from Cooper & Webb, the management training consultants.
This is Ray. This is Jude. This is Helena.
She's writing quite a big article on me for "Inside Paper", the trade magazine.
I've mentioned our thing, so... you don't mind if she sits in on this gig, do you?
- No, not if you don't. - I'm coolio. Ok.
Hello. Wernham-Hogg.
Yup. I'll put you through.
- I'll be in in a few days. - Ok.
Obviously if you got any problems, give me a call...
- Ok. - See you later.
Bye, Dawn.
All right mate? Probably wondering who they're gonna offer David's job too. Me.
- You got it? - Yes.
- Congratulations. - Thank you.
Things are gonna start changing around here so you can start bucking your ideas up. Starting with your appearance.
It's going to be a well-oiled, tight ship around these here parts.
- What sort of management training is it? - We...
I'll answer. They use celebrity speakers... expert speakers.
And my personal tip is my rise to the top, which gives it a whole new edge.
So... ok.
So where are we? Shoot.
- We'd like to thank you very much for the time you've given us... - No sweat. It's what I do.
...but we won't be using you again, I'm afraid. - You won't be?
- Why not? - It's just not exactly what we were looking for.
No I know but I'll do it how you... I did it like that because that was the vibe of the day, wasn't it?
I'll do it differently. How do you want me to do it?
We have a very specific idea of what it is that we're looking for, and we know...
Oh, fucking hell!
- We would like to say thank you... - Yeah, yeah, yeah! Yada, yada, yada.
- Go on and get.. Timewasters. - We're really sorry about...
Oh, get out. Go on. Thank you.
Wasting my time.
- Oh you mean me as well? - Yeah.
- Would you mind if I just took a quick photo? - No.
- I'm just waiting for the flash. to.. - Yeah.
There's a green light.
Ok.
- Right. - Can I take one more for safety?
- Just waiting for the green light. - Yeah I know.
- Right. - Thank you.
- Hello. - Hi.
- All right? - Fine.
Am I fine? Um... I've just heard you were leaving.
- Blimey. - Say it isn't so.
- Word gets around fast. - It's true?
- Yeah. - Were you going to tell me?
- God, yeah. - You were?
- Yes. - Ok.
Are you going to another job?
- No. Lee and I are going to go away. - On holiday?
No. We're going to Florida for about six months. Something like that.
- Six months? - Mm.
Lee's sister lives out there, so we could live with her.
He's not happy in his job. I'm not happy in mine.
- Is there a name for this? - I don't know. Starting again?
Right. Starting again.
We'll just get our heads together, I think, and... you know.
Cool.
Oh, god. Hello. The adventurer. She's just telling me about the American thing.
Yeah. Me sister's over there. Got a big house.
- We haven't seen it yet. - Seen pictures. It's a big place.
Her husband's raking it in as well. Yeah.
We thought we'd get one of those mobile homes, you know? drive up the coast to the beaches, till the cash runs out.
Then I suppose come home or better still get a place out there, if we like.
- Accommodation's well cheap. - Is it?
If Dawn gets a job on reception, she'll be twice as well off, so, makes sense.
Fancy that. That'd be nice, wouldn't it? Brilliant. Well, good luck. I'd better get back to it. Well done mate. Have a great time.
Cheers, mate.
- Hi, love. How you doing? - Good.
You looking for swimming costumes? Bikinis?
A real relationship isn't like a fairytale.
If you think that for the next 40 years every time you see each other you're gonna glow
or every time you hold hands there'll be electricity, you're kidding yourself.
What about reliability, paying the mortgage or someone who's never been out of work?
Those are the more important practical things... in reality.
As I said at the time, when I asked Dawn out, I didn't ask her out, I asked her out as a friend.
I felt sorry for her coz She was having trouble with Lee at the time and it wasn't like a...
under different circumstances, sure, something might have happened, but..
She's going away now. You can't change circumstances.
Sorry. Excuse me.
Dawn, can I have a word in here?
Ta.
- She said no, by the way.
- You all right, David? - Yep. Fine. You?
- Yup. - Good. Small talk done.
Thanks very much. Everyone really appreciates what you've done.
Yeah?
Ok. Down to business. That's what we've come up with as a redundancy offer.
- Yup. More than I expected. - We've been quite generous.
Bada-bing.
Now, you can leave on the third with your holiday, I understand, which is a Tuesday.
Now we wondered if you wanted to come back for a party on the Friday or leave on the Friday before?
Whatever.
Ok. Well, again, thanks very much, David.
Don't make me redundant.
- Please. - Look, David...
I've changed my mind. I don't want redundancy. I don't want that. I haven't signed anything, so..
Well, David, unfortunately, it's not really up to you.
All right, then. Well, I'm asking. Ok? Please don't make me redundant.
You can talk to someone, Jenny.
- The wheels are already in motion. - No, stop them. Because..
- David. We're not gonna discuss this now. - No. But just say that it's not definite now before you go.
I will try twice as hard. I really will. I know I've been complacent.
I'll turn this place around if you just say it's not definite now and then we can...
you're not going until... starting from now.
Life is just a series of peaks and troughs...
and you don't know whether you're in a trough until you're climbing out
or on a peak until you're coming down.
That's it. You never know what's round the corner.
But it's all good.
If you want the rainbow, you've got to put up with the rain.
Do you know which "philosopher" said that? Dolly Parton.
And people say she's just a big pair of tits.
Hello. Wernham-Hogg.